I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I think this should do it.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that