What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?