Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed