I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*