I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
You Might Also Like
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know