Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.