I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?