I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
making my dog give me my pills
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
You look like you would fail a DNA test
yes, those are my real potatoes.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN