Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

❤️❤️❤️

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.

Me, at 33: I think I am too.

My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal