“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
there’s music for literally every activity
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?