@GrantTanaka

“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house

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@NoogsCorner

Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.

Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.

Me: Go home.

@ThisOneSayz

My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.

@Carbosly

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

@MoistPork

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@ipalatsky

Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

@bossy_bootz

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce