My spirit animal is a tapeworm.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.
Rebel against the establishment by covering every surface with lace doilies.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce