“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?