“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.