i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
You Might Also Like
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
#CatsOnTwitter
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*