i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.