Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.

ME: You mean, don’t take?

COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*