I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Cartman: Respect my
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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