I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
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The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.