I’ve been learning to cook.
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At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
I need this for my side hustle.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
True freaking story!
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too