I’ve been learning to cook.
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I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My dog ate my work from home.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.