My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
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Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.