I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.