I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
guys i’ve cracked the code
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.