I’ve been lied to my entire life
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
wow
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.