I’ve been lied to my entire life
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I love it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.