I’ve been lied to my entire life
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When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.