I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
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What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Woke up with morning Yule Log