Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t

If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?

Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!

Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.

Her:

Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

HER: what’s with all the finger pointing

ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

bro, you’re fine. you just need an impossible sequence of events to play out in perfect order against all odds and you’ll be fine

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.