Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.

Brain: you adorable idiot.

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it

Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…

[Later]

Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie