I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.