I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.