I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
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People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
⚰
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*pokes sex life with a stick