Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

“Right, whose round is it?”

Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.

*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.