I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sorry. Not sorry
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*