Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?

Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

Meowchelangelo

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

who did the taste test?

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.