Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.

Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute

My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.

Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”

*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*

“Same”

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.