I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend