Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up

Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?

W: Oddly specific but yes

Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Not helping

POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!

ME: My parents never loved me.

POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!

ME: That makes way more sense.

Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

her: i love bad boys

me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.