@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

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@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

@DaddyJew

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@Browtweaten

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

@mejustbeth

Wrong hole! It’s too tight!

-me putting on my watch, you pervs

@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@daemonic3

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘effusive’

“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”

That is correct. What was your name?

“It’s Siv”

I know lmao [hi5s other judge]

@MarfSalvador

Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole

Client: [Breaks down crying]

Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either

@Rayne__Man

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that