I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
BETRAYAL
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out