I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
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“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Your word is ‘effusive’
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Just tell me which one is wrong! The user ID or the password???
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that