I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
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I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*