Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.

brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.