Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?

What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.

Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.

Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.