Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: a handbag

Therapist: Where do you see this going?

Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.

Hey, we never talked in high school!

Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!

JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!

Optometrist: better or worse

Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse

Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.

Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kites

Things my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Friend: Call me when you wake up

[3 days later]

Me: Okay I’m up!

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer

I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.

He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.