I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Oh my god
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same