Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.