Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Merry Christmas

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Why are you wearing that outfit again?

Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

People: Let us know if you need help!

Me: Okay I need help

People:

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,

So I stabbed him. Now we wait…

[montage of me giving-up]

I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.