Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.

if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates

really makes you think 🤔

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.

In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.

Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

britain’s three elite institutions

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*