I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.