I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
This is so wrong 😂
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
airing out the snack pack
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about