I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Super Hand Dog Face
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.