Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

My only stock options are chicken and beef.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”

you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

boss: what are u doing

me: *pretends to read email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

Why is this me 😫

Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing