I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.
You Might Also Like
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths