I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.