Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

There is no try. There is only give up.

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer