I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
