I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
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Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.