Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?

11: Just pull up and act cool.

Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.

11: Daddy …

Me: Got it. Just be me.

11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

old twitter is back baby

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…

Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*

I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”

– makers of band-aids