Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

💀

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.