Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

January has been Januweary

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935