I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Seems kinda suspicious
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.