I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…