Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?