I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.
You Might Also Like
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
i wish we could shoplift online
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”