Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

I miss seein tweets like “last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay” who did that one

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

Breaking news:

Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?

Dinner Date: I love Youtube.

Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

when you don’t want to be too vague

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

You were the one.

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?