I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.