Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Him: I just had sex with that woman!

Me: She’s 60.

Him: I know.

Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.

Not😆🤣

Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

How I like cutting carbs

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.