I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
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*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
thanksgiving in nutshell
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”