Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?

Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?

me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.

Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!

Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?

TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.