I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
RT if you could go either way.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin