Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

me: *googling* am I dying

web md: nope just sad

me: oh good

web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh

me: that’s fair

web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent

me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Get off my horse you stupid moon

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain

Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.

Möther may I have a snäck

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

Not to brag…

… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood