Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.

The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.

On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.

Confidence is important.

Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?

4: I taked it out of the trash can.

Me: *eye twitches*

“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.